I cant stop crying....

I keep thinking about the people I am going to lose... I cant handle it.. Thinking about the people who are going to fight and lose. I dont want to see his or her face on tv or in the paper... I dont want to visit their grave... Cry in their parents arms... I want to be able to kiss their cheeks and give them a big hug...

You have no idea how much it hurts... I dont want to lose you. If I did I think I would lay down and die....

New years resolution... Tell people how much they mean to me.. Even if they dont like me back. I cant lose you.. My heart cant handle it.

 A note for the people in the future I meet. I love you.

A note for the people in the past that I have met... I still love you...

A note for those I have had arguments with... I will always love you..

You have my heart you see?

Just sick of it.

~ It doesnt take a chest, an ass, and makeup to make a girl... It takes her heart~

 I hate it when a girl who doesnt look the greatest walks into a mall she is stared down as the most hidious thing anyone has ever seen. It sickens me!
 
Everybody stares... Avoids... Worries your going to do something!!
 
You are followed in certain stores... Like you never belonged there in the first place.

Good morning sunshine lover!~!

Hey Everybody! Panders is back... Sorry for the long wait. I havn't really had much to write about. I would like to start off with the fact my fascination for MUSIC! is amazing because I am finding new music everyday that I love and I just cant get enough of! Some to start off with so far is...

• The Vitamin String Quartet!
• Chris Brown
• Michael Buble!
• Train

If you want to check out some music of the Vitamin String Quartet check it out here!!

 

                                                                                                                                                                   
Now to continue... Christmas is coming up! And I have my christmas shopping all done already! I am so proud of myself. I hope the love I put into these gifts put smiles on everyones faces! Today I have to go visit my family... It will be the first christmas without my grandpa... ... .. Yeah and it really hit me when my mother recieved a letter in the mail from the funeral home. It had a poem in it that I couldnt finish 'cause I knew I would start crying... It went like this...

I still hear the songs,

I still see the lights

I still feel your love on cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes and all of your cares

I'll even remind you to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you, you still  make me proud

You stand head and shoulders above all the crowd

You dont have to be perfect all the time

He forgives you the slip, if you continue to climb

To my family and friends,

Please be thankful today

Im still close to you,

In a new special way

I love you all dearly,

Now dont shed a tear

Cause I am spending my

Christmas with Jesus this year.

Happy thanksgiving!!~~!!

Definition of Thanksgiving :
1 : the act of giving thanks
2 : a prayer expressing gratitude
3 : a public acknowledgment or celebration of divine goodness.

Thanksgiving Day is a joyous family festival celebrated with lot of enthusiasm in US, Canada and several other countries. Thanksgiving Day Festival commemorates the feast held by the Pilgrim colonists and members of the Wampanoag people at Plymouth in 1621. On this day people express gratitude to God for his blessings and give thanks to dear ones for their love & support.


Thanksgiving is America's preeminent day. It is celebrated every year on the fourth Thursday in the month of November. It has a very interesting history. Its origin can be traced back to the 16th century when the first thanksgiving dinner is said to have taken place.

Journey of Pilgrims
The legendary pilgrims, crossed the Atlantic in the year 1620 in Mayflower-A 17th Century sailing vessel. About 102 people traveled for nearly two months with extreme difficulty. This was so because they were kept in the cargo space of the sailing vessel. No one was allowed to go on the deck due to terrible storms. The pilgrims comforted themselves by singing Psalms- a sacred song.

Arrival in Plymouth
The pilgrims reached Plymouth rock on December 11th 1620, after a sea journey of 66 days. Though the original destination was somewhere in the northern part of Virginia, they could not reach the place owing to winds blowing them off course. Nearly46 pilgrims died due to extreme cold in winter. However, in the spring of 1621, Squanto, a native Indian taught the pilgrims to survive by growing food.

Day of Fasting and Prayer
In the summer of 1621, owing to severe drought, pilgrims called for a day of fasting and prayer to please God and ask for a bountiful harvest in the coming season. God answered their prayers and it rained at the end of the day. It saved the corn crops.

First Thanksgiving Feast
It is said that Pilgrims learnt to grow corn, beans and pumpkins from the Indians, which helped all of them survive . In the autumn of 1621, they held a grand celebration where 90 people were invited including Indians. The grand feast was organized to thank god for his favors. This communal dinner is popularly known as “The first thanksgiving feast”. There is however, no evidence to prove if the dinner actually took place.

While some historians believe pilgrims were quite religious so, their thanksgiving would've included a day of fasting and praying, others say that the Thanksgiving dinner did take place.

Turkey and First Thanksgiving Feast
There is no evidence to prove if the customary turkey was a part of the initial feast. According to the first hand account written by the leader of the colony, the food included, ducks, geese, venison, fish, berries etc.

Pumpkin and Thanksgiving Feast
Pumpkin pie, a modern staple adorning every dinner table, is unlikely to have been a part of the first thanksgiving feast. Pilgrims however, did have boiled pumpkin. Diminishing supply of flour led to the absence of any kind of bread.

The feast continued for three days and was eaten outside due to lack of space. It was not repeated till 1623, which again witnessed a severe drought. Governor Bradford proclaimed another day of thanksgiving in the year 1676. October of 1777 witnessed a time when all the 13 colonies joined in a communal celebration. It also marked the victory over the British.

After a number of events and changes, President Lincoln proclaimed last Thursday in November of thanksgiving in the year 1863. This was due to the continuous efforts of Sarah Josepha Hale, a magazine editor. She wrote a number of articles for the cause.

~ I love thanksgiving because it gives me a chance to give thanks.

~Talk to someone who needs a chat.

~Give someone a hug.

~Tell someone you love them.

~Thank elders, friends, teachers, anybody! Thank them for being alive!

~Thank God!

~ Smile.

~ Giggle.

~ Just love!

~ And tell people to pass it on.

Panders here to say her last til after the holidays. Be safe! Live Laugh Love! And enjoy being with your family, friends, loved ones, who ever! Just be good and dont get into trouble. Dont drink (its worthless anyway) Dont do drugs! Have a happy holiday. You are loved by ME!!

Love you all ~~ Panders

Letter to you... From my heart.

When I lose a person I lay in bed and cry my soul out.

I cry because I wasn't ready to lose you.

I cry because my big heart misses you too.

I dont want to lose my family... my friends.

I love you all to much to say goodbye.

Every tear I pour is a tear for you.

My heart falls apart everytime someone says goodbye.

Please if you read this... Know that my heart is in the game.

Please if you read this, know that you are loved by me... Where ever you might be...

Watching over me...
Watching me...
Thinking about me...

I guess sometimes you have to lie to find the truth

There is nothing more I see,

Than how she smiles and looks at me

It makes me feel unsteady

But she comes over to me

and I feel ready, to speak

Her thoughful stare,

her beautiful hair

her eyes, her ears, her pretty face,

I notice nothing else in this place.

except....

The Beauty Inside,

that is where her brave, crystal tears are cried

I see into her when I look into her eyes, and am lost,

in the sea of thought

She always makes me feel better, when i am down

because she knows I will always be there, always in town

I'll be there in hurry, if shes hurt, in pain

because I know that she would always do the same

When I see her there is nothing else

Because I will always know that under that beautiful butterfly,

There will always be the Beauty Inside


The Beauty Inside
by Cody J. Czerniak



There is some amazing writers out there...

Work in progress

Why do you drink and grumble grumble grumble...

Why do you drink and hit, slap, and fumble...

Why do you drink and fall into a deep, deep slumber...

Why must you drink and cause this horror...

I thought we were friends...
I thought I could trust you...

How do I know its the real you talking?

Do you think your cool?

Thats just sad...
Thats just dumb...
Thats just...

Do you want to die?
Do you have a death wish?
Do you believe in a bigger purpose?

You choose... Live or die... Just dont get drunk and then talk to me. Dont get drunk and tell me lies... Just stop drinking period. Why the hell do you need it?! Give me a good answer and I will leave you be, but if you cant... Then just leave me the hell alone.

Feels like today.

~ I woke up this morning with this song stuck in my head. I thought I would share it with you :-) Its by Rascal Flatts~!



I woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me that I can't explain
Like a weight that I've carried
Been carried away, away
But I know something is coming
I don't know what it is
But I know it's amazing, you save me
My time is coming
And I'll find my way out of this longest drought

[Chorus:]
It feels like today
I know it feels like today I'm sure
It's the one thing that's missin'
The one thing I'm wishin'
The last sacred blessin'
It feels like today
Feels like today

You treat life like a picture
But its not a moment frozen in time
It's not gonna wait
Til you make up your mind, at all

So while this storm is breaking
While there's light at the end of the tunnel
Keep running towards it
Releasing the pressure, that's my heartache
Soon this dam will break

[Chorus x2]

Feels like, feels like your life changes
Feels like feels like your life changes

It's the one thing that's missin'
The one thing you're wishin'
The last sacred blessin'
Feels like today

Feels like
Feels like your life changes
Feels like
Feels like your life changes

To write love on her arms.

In support of To Write Love on Her Arms, you should write "love" on your arm on November 13th, 2009, National To Write Love on Her Arms Day. This is not an event that you ATTEND, you just simply write "love" on your arm in support.

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.


Quick Numbers:

-121 million people worldwide suffer from depression.

-18 million of these cases are happening in the United States.

-Between 20% and 50% of children and teens struggling with depression have a family history of this struggle and the offspring of depressed parents are more than three times as likely to suffer from depression.

-Depression often co-occurs with anxiety disorders and substance abuse, with 30 percent of teens with depression also developing a substance abuse problem.

-2/3 of those suffering from depression never seek treatment.

-Untreated depression is the number one cause of suicide, and suicide is the third leading cause of death among teenagers.





Here's where it all began:

Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."

I would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her.

Renee is 19. When I meet her, cocaine is fresh in her system. She hasn't slept in 36 hours and she won't for another 24. It is a familiar blur of coke, pot, pills and alcohol. She has agreed to meet us, to listen and to let us pray. We ask Renee to come with us, to leave this broken night. She says she'll go to rehab tomorrow, but she isn't ready now. It is too great a change. We pray and say goodbye and it is hard to leave without her.

She has known such great pain; haunted dreams as a child, the near-constant presence of evil ever since. She has felt the touch of awful naked men, battled depression and addiction, and attempted suicide. Her arms remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds. Six hours after I meet her, she is feeling trapped, two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas. Everyone is asleep. The sun is rising. She drinks long from a bottle of liquor, takes a razor blade from the table and locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts herself, using the blade to write "FUCK UP" large across her left forearm.

The nurse at the treatment center finds the wound several hours later. The center has no detox, names her too great a risk, and does not accept her. For the next five days, she is ours to love. We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her church, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms.

She is full of contrast, more alive and closer to death than anyone I've known, like a Johnny Cash song or some theatre star. She owns attitude and humor beyond her 19 years, and when she tells me her story, she is humble and quiet and kind, shaped by the pain of a hundred lifetimes. I sit privileged but breaking as she shares. Her life has been so dark yet there is some soft hope in her words, and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the room tell her that she's beautiful. I think it's God reminding her.

I've never walked this road, but I decide that if we're going to run a five-day rehab, it is going to be the coolest in the country. It is going to be rock and roll. We start with the basics; lots of fun, too much Starbucks and way too many cigarettes.

Are you in trouble?

Dating violence is not something that should be pushed into a corner and waited on. It needs to be handled now!...

Dating Abuse Red Flags~

For people who may be in abusive relationship.

• Feeling afraid of your Girlfriend or Boyfriend.
• Feeling isolated, maybe even alone.
• Losing your friends.
• Changing your behavior because of your girlfriends or boyfriends jealousy.
• Feeling embarassed, put down, ashamed, or guilty.
• Being threatened.
• Feeling manipulated or controlled.
• Being afraid to express your feelings of anger.
• Feeling a nervous or sick feeling in your stomach when your dating partner is irritated, angry or frustrated.
• Feeling a pounding or fluttering in your chest when your dating partner isnt happy.
• Not allowed to, or being afraid to, make decisions for yourself.
• Not having your thoughts or wishes for personal space repected.
• Feeling as if your date gets too personal or touches you in an unwanted way.

For people who may be abusing their dating partner.

• Intimidation.
• Becoming angry if your dating partner is spending time with other people.
• Using guilt trips to get your dating partner to do something.
• Feeling unable to control your anger.
• Making your dating partner afraid of you!
• Force.

This is a big problem.

Help to stop it~

If this is happening to you, you need to contact someone immediatly. People are here to help you!

• Family.
• Friends.
• Teachers.
• Your Principal!
• Neighbors.
• Police Officers.
• Churches.

http://delta.aplaceforwomen.org <>

~Counting on you to make a difference in this world. I know you can.

"Hearts Of The Innocent" - Kutless.

I'm looking down into the eyes of hopelessness
They're crying out to me
I see the pain it's so much more than youth should know
It tears me apart
What can I do to change what I see
This vicious cycle must come to an end

[CHORUS:]
Can't you see, we're crushing the hearts of the innocent
We're teaching them to fail
And how it breaks me to see how we're living and punishing the ones that need us to care
To see them hurting
Feels like knuckles to the back of my head

Where have the days gone that a promise was forever
Families stuck together

We wonder why their generation struggles to get by
There's no one to help what can I do to change what I see
This vicious cycle must come to an end



~ It hurts to see my generation struggle. It hurts to see that we are SO DAMN LAZY! WE! Including me need to change... This vicious cycle need to end.

For you.

When I walk into that place I see you. I see your shadow and I see you standing over me. I feel your presence and I move my hand to grab yours and you fade away.

When I walk into that place I want to cry. I want to walk right back out that door get back in the car and cry in the backseat. Im trapped. I walk up to that room... Sit... And try to fade away...

When I walk into that place the memories hit me with such force that its hard to stand on my own two feet. I see friends and so-called family waiting to greet me with their hands wide open. I tell them I am fine and they go away smiling and I go away crying.

When I walk into that place... I want to crawl into a corner... I want my boyfriends protection... I want his warmth... I want his hugs and kisses... I dont want to see anymore memories. I want him and only him. I want everything else to fade. Just fade until its me, him, and God.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God will keep me warm...
God will be my protector...
God will always be there for me...
God will help me overcome those memories...

He will always keep me warm...
He will always try his hardest to protect me...
He will always be there for me... In my heart...
He will pray that me and God can overcome my memories...

God will always keep me in his arms...
God will always push me to be better...
God knows I will be someone.

He will try his hardest to keep me in his arms...
He will try his hardest to push himself and I to become better...
He knows that I will become someone better...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God the one who will forever own my heart...
He the one who will forever have a place in my heart.

God is amazing.
God is great.
God is my everything.

He is trying to be amazing.
He is always great to me.
He will always be a part of my everything.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I will always push him to go to God...
I will always tell him the truth...
I will always let him cry on my shoulder...
I will always let him know that I love him...
I will always push him to better himself...
I will always love him. Love him for as long as my soul can stand... And we all know a soul never dies. A good soul that is :-)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

His kisses are like a dream. They whisper against my lips. They tell me that I am beautiful. They tell me im wonderful and unstoppable.

His hugs are like a warm fuzzy blanket. I am wrapped in this love and I never want to leave.

His smile shines everytime he looks into my eyes. I see his childlike features and I love to hear his giggles. Love like this is only found in that smile.

And I am always searching for that smile.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning...

When I first met you I saw that smile. This smile was small and quiet. This smile screamed for help. It screamed for love. When I looked into your eyes I saw your background. I saw your heartbeat. I felt your burning tears fall down my cheeks. I returned the smile and your smile all of a sudden screamed happiness.

When I first heard your voice I went weak in the knees. I wanted to stay and have you speak until night fall. My insides screamed for you not to stop. It felt like I was in a trance when you spoke. When you walked away I felt myself falling back down to the ground. I felt you walking away from a dream un-dreamt.

When I felt your warmth. When I wrapped my arms around you for the first time I felt your muscles scream to the heavens. I felt your prayer that this would be the one. I am the one. Only if you want me. I knew you wanted me to stay in your arms and I wanted to stay there.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today... Is never better...

When I see you today I see that smile that I saw the first day I met you. Its big and toothy and I can feel the giggle and love fly off your lips.

When you whisper your sweet voice into my ears I feel that lift into the clouds. When I talk to God I tell him about your voice. I tell him how great you are. I tell him that you are the greatest gift. I feel your voice deep down in my heart. I hear it repeat in my head. I like whispers that flow my body. I hear in and out... I love you... I love you... I love you... I will protect you... I will protect you... I will protect you...

When I see you today... We have become intertwined. I feel your warmth when I am sad. I feel your warmth when I am in need of guidance. Your warmth tells me there is a God. Your warmth still brightens my night. It makes me feel like I can stand on my own two feet. Makes me feel like I can hold your hand and we can defeat this world together. Today when I feel your warmth, I see that flashback of when I first hugged you. It was chilly around us and the warmth from our bodies took us over. I still want to be in your arms.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I could have had anyone...

But...

I wanted you...
I love you...
I miss you...
I want you to know that I am always yours...

Scorpio
October 24 to November 22
(Born October 28th!!)

Symbol - The Scorpion
Element - Water
Planet - Pluto
( I love the water!! )

Love Life:
You are sinfully sexy. The best kisser and the most erotic among all the zodiac signs.
(I can agree with the best kisser part!!)

More Compatible with - Capricorn, Taurus, Cancer, Virgo, Pisces
Less Compatible with - Sagittarius, Gemini, Aries

Qualities Of Scorpio
Passionate, Protective, Magnetic, Energetic, Emotional, Exciting, Intense, Tenacious, Powerful, Resourceful, Attractive, Investigative, Diplomatic & Courageous.
( haha What can I say!! )

Lucky Color - Shades of Red
Lucky Stone - Topaz
Lucky Day - Tuesday
Lucky Number - Two
Lucky Metal - Sodium
( My favorite colour is blue, I hate topaz, my favorite day is Tuesday! Three is my favorite number and I can handle Sodium haha )

Take a chance. Because this is the only chance you get~

Around the corner I have a friend,

In this great city that has no end,

Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,

And before I know it, a year is gone.

And I never see my old friends face,

For life is a swift and terrible race,

He knows
I like him just as well,

As in the days when I rang his bell.

And he rang mine but we were younger then,

And now we are busy, tired men.

Tired of playing a foolish game,

Tired of trying to make a name.

'Tomorrow' I say! 'I will call on Jim

Just to show that I'm thinking of him.'

But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,

And distance between us grows and grows.

Around the corner, yet miles away,

'Here's a telegram sir,' 'Jim died today.'

And that's what we get and deserve in the end.

Around the corner, a vanished friend.

Remember to always say what you mean.

If you
love someone, tell them.

Don't be afraid to express yourself.

Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you.

Because when you decide that it is the right time it might

be too late.

Seize the day. Never have regrets.

And most importantly, stay close to your friends

and family, for they have helped

make you the person that you are today.

Today~ What else can I say...

Now I just have to say that today was SO BORING! I mean common now what am I supposed to do... I have a fear of driving so I haven't had the will to work on getting my license. So I cant drive anywhere... I know how lame of me! But I wish my mom could sit in the trunk while I drove. I mean she is in the car with me right.

I'm still working on my blog skills. I promise the longer I have it the more I will become used to talking out loud. Or typing I should say.

Short and sweet and to the point. I hope I didn't bore you that much. Peace and love and more to come

Panders~

This IS the place to be~

Welcome!! Have been planning to start a blog for the longest time now. More to come once I set up what I want here on my blog. Enjoy what I have now and watch out for whats to come~

Panders