I want a man...

It has been never-ending these past couple weeks. I havent been able to stop crying and its hard to get up in the morning. I want a man who wants me for who I am. I am not feeling loved or wanted and it hurts. I want so much for him to be happy and he makes me feel so miserable. I havent been writing because I have been suffering. I have been suffering from heartbreak and my boyfriend can only say im sorry. He doesnt come to me and make me feel better.. short post. have to go. hard to type with tears in my eyes. goodnight

panders

Your first love has never forgotten you

To lay a kiss on your lips,
so gentle and delicate
is like picking the drops of dew
off the petals of a rose.

I hold you close and feel safe,
sheltered in from the rain,
from the storms that grow and surround me.
I take your hand and look into your eyes
and see a heart made of gold and soul so pure.

You see you are an angel, an angel to me.
I could not help but fall madly in love with you,
the one who stole my heart.

I’m glad you did
because I could never find one such as you...
Some one who makes each day the best,
each laugh the longest,
each tear the saddest,
and a life, my life, worthwhile.

- Peter Oliveri -< Gotta give him props! Good poem Peter! I love it!

To be or not to be... That is the question~

My friend of 3 going on 4 years I think now, was in Japan for a while... We stayed in touch through facebook and then of course I deleted mine, because I was scared for my friends and familys lives. Another friend of 8 going on 9 years just got a job at the SAME PLACE as I work! And I never knew because I dont have facebook anymore. I came into work on Monday and saw her cleaning! IT freaked me out! And it upset me a lot because she again stated that because I dont have a facebook, I dont know whats happening anymore. Then she said that my friend from Japan was back here at home!!! And that after her shift was over at work, she was going out for shakes with her! I was crushed and a little hurt that someone didnt care enough about my situation to find any other way to tell me.

I recently been thinking about getting a facebook again, but when the thought crosses my mind I get this sick to my stomach feeling that if I get another facebook, this bully from my past will come back with full force and do something crazy to hurt me, my boyfriend, friends, or family... The sickening memories of seeing my picture on a profile that was not made by me, but by someone who was trying to hurt me just pushes me farther and farther back from ever getting facebook again.

Another thing that hurts is that my friends will not stop reminding me that I shouldn't have deleted my facebook, and that I should get one again... ITS NOT THAT EASY! I wish I could let them feel the sickening feeling I got when I saw a profile in my name that I had not made!

Anyway... This has been upsetting me for a while and I needed to get it down before I blew up! Thanks for listening! And pray for the bully who attacked me and my friends.

Love y'all
<3 Panders

8 hours of torture! Friendly faces! love on the rooftops!

Worked my first 8 hour shift! IT was AWESOME... not.. lol^^ Above is my new favorite song! And I found out my friend from LONG AGO is finally back home! And I got to see her! :-D And I found out that a friend from school works with me! I never knew!! IT was SO COOL! Short post today because me and my boyfriend are going to spend the afternoon tearing up carpet~!

<3 y'all!!
Panders

tattoo manic

Ever since I got my first tattoo, I have ALWAYS wanted to get another one... I always have had a ton of ideas so I thought I would share a couple with you!

This is an October flower. I wanted to combine a big one as me and two small ones of my my sisters in their favorite colors! This one would go in my back

This one would go on my arm or leg, and it would be in black and white. I love music, I love the violin, and I love stars! This one would be perfect for me.

This is an April flower, which is my boyfriends birthday is in April. yeah yeah the talk of getting tattoos that you could regret someday is the lecture I have heard since I got my first tattoo! (which my first tattoo was about my boyfriend) This tattoo would go on my back as well!

These are f-holes that are placed on each side of a violin (stringed instrument). My love for the violin will be something that I can never forget. It is a part of my life that I never want to forget!  This would go on my belly or I would shrink the size and put them on my wrist.

Then the three simple hearts for me and my two sisters. They are so close to my heart! And they are growing up so fast! I promised them I would get a tattoo for them so I am still trying to think of ideas! This would go on my leg, shoulder, or the back of my neck. The color would be as our favorite colors :-)

That is it for tattoo ideas... Off to enjoy the amazing rainy day!

Love y'all

<3 Panders

*also dont forget to watch the womans lacrosse game! Duke vs. Northwestern!!!**

Take a minute and scream out! Then go back to looking normal.

Hey looks I have readers! I am so happy for that!! Thanks everyone for the super nice comments!

Anyone ever have that moment where you feel like you accomplished so much but your still sitting in the hole you dug to protect yourself? For a while now I have been thinking that I have accomplished so much in my life, whether it was getting over the fear of God or letting someone near my heart. I knew I would step over the hills and reach all my goals! And I did :-) But it still feels like I  have one foot in the hole. I thought if I chopped off all my hair or got a new pair of shoes that it would make a dent in my life. Like everything I accomplished I would be able to show everyone that I have changed and that I am a better person that what I once was.

Last night I didnt get any sleep because I was sitting on the bathroom floor waiting for the scissors to touch my hair and just chop it all off. I was getting frustrated with life and I just wanted all the frustration to go away. I am so weird that I thought cutting my hair off would change it all. I had my soul falling apart and I couldnt do a thing about it. Something inside my head knew that if I did this something was going to change or that someone was going to listen to me. I am taking control of my life, and things still seem to be going in circles. People who know me, dont worry I didnt chop my hair to pieces... I am venting out my frustration here like I usually do, and so far I am feeling so much better!

The meaning of my post title is that you when you feel that nothing is going right, you need to take a minute for yourself and change that... Whether thats GOING to get your haircut or getting your nails done, and for the men going out with the guys to the court for some bball. Or if your like me you will write it down on a blog to share with others in the world that they are not alone. That the crazed teen stills lives in this soul of mine and I am still finding ways to deal with things. OR go to whoever you worship and send your prayers to them.

Never ever feel like you are alone, when things get frustrating in life. I am not a counsler or a psychologist but I am a teen and I know that when things get tough, its hard to think that things are going to get better sometimes. If you ever think of hurting yourself or others please talk to someone. Someone you can trust, like a teacher or counsler, and even your parents. An adult that can help you.

Now I must go and try and finish a hell - of - a - load of homework!

Love y'all
<3Panders

Funny day!

This song is the most HATED song on youtube next to Justin Biebers song Baby~! This is hilarious! It does have a good beat to it, but its SO DUMB! Yes I know Thursday is before Friday. And then there is Saturday and Sunday. She is talking singing if that makes any sense what-so-ever!

Jennette McCurdy one of the stars on Icarly, Is an AMAZING singer! This song called Homeless Heart, just touches my heart and is one of my favorites!

Bring on the funnys and...

LIVE

LOVE

LAUGH

Love y'all
<3 Panders

running around town like a mad man

Hi my single reader... anyway!

This week has been hectic so far... Took a friend out to lunch, been to the library a couple times.. I was supposed to be doing my homework when really I couldnt resist but looking at all the wonderful books they had! I couldnt help but getting one either. I hope that I have a chance to read it this weekend cause it looks really good! It is called Armageddon Science: The science of mass destruction. It is by Brian Clegg if anyone wants to check it out... Well of course when I am done with it you can have it. I think I also got another job instore for me which is great! I have a plan that if I save 20 dollars every week for 20 weeks I will have reached my goal and will be able to buy a NEW laptop! And maybe a wii to add! Off to my science class.. Get to play with coffee today.. SWEET like I need more caffeine

Love y'all
<3 Panders

Saturday blues

Just recently I had a friend tell me she was taking a break. I thought this was a huge breakthrough for her! I knew she finally had a chance to start over fresh and get her life on track, without this waste of life holding her back! Now I wouldnt tell her to her face that he was a waste of life, because for some strange reason he makes her super happy. And if she is happy then I am happy. She is like my sister and I couldnt bare to see her down. With this break though I thought she was going to sucess in saving some money and moving out of her parents house. Maybe getting into a school and finally achieving her dreams. She has a big heart and I knew she could achieve greatness! And no longer was this man.. no boy in her life!

UNTIL....!!

 I sent her a text to check up on her after she let me know that she had taken a break from this boy, and already she had said they were back together... *sigh* I couldnt scream and yell and rant because it made her happy that they were back together!!!

To me, I talk to my significant other all the time, about very important things in my life. If we ever had to take a break, it would have to be three weeks to a month. NOT A DAY OR TWO! There is no room for growing and understanding that you, yourself have needs that need to be taken care of just as much as your partner does. I wish that everyone I knew had such a deeper connection like I do with my significant other, but I cant teach all.

Back to my friend, I love her with all my heart and I hope that whatever happens in her life that she is happy. She is the closest person to my heart and I can share everything with her. I hope one day that we both can overcome our boundaries and just live a happy life. I want to be by her side in her wedding and I want her to be right next to me in mine. I want to catch her tears and throw them all away!

Anyway, I just wanted to get it out that I really love her and I hate that she is putting herself thru this either because she cant be alone, or she is scared she will end up alone. She doesnt get it but I go through the same thing all the time. I am still learning that when I wake up the next day I have a man who loves me like crazy and will take care of me forever! I just pray for her that she will find someone that makes her feel like she doesnt have to take a break and will make her feel like when she wakes up in the morning that he will be there for her. She needs a man, not a boy! And a man that is worthy of all her greatness!!

---------

Going to find the perfect laptop today and well.. just stare at it in awe because I only have about 50 dollars saved hahaha. Then going to look for the perfect phone and again just stare because I have NO money for that even... Off to start the day and I leave you with my new fav song for the week!

Love y'all
<3 Panders

Blurb fom the curb..

Howdy y'alls who read... one person.. haha

 I have been working for a while now, and trying to juggle work and school and it is HARDER than I thought. I was praying day in and day out for a job, and now I am praying for a break. Its like summer break; you want it to come so quickly, and then when its here you are bored and want something to do... My feet are not used to standing for 4 super long hours, then running off for some burger king and heading to a night class for another 3 hours. My feet are still swollen the next day and it is hard for me to walk! Luckily I am new and still learning and I only work one or two days a week. I am still applying for more jobs, since the one I have now is only temporary... That laptop isnt going to magically appear! Using my mothers these days, she is so good to me now that I got a job! hahaha.. wow.. ANYWAY... Now that my time is more and more scarce the person that still seems to blow my mind (no nastiness!!) is my loving/thoughtful/heroic boyfriend! He is there for me to ice my swollen feet, and kiss my boo boos... I love him more than anything! And I am praying that this new car he got will not kill his pay check every three days. He says it is a gas guzzler but I have not a clue about cars so I will get to see first hand what a gas guzzler is, besides my moms huge truck that she no longer drives and sits in the driveway taking up space...

Off to work on projects... I will be done with my first year of college very very soon!! I am so HAPPY! and sad at the same time. I will have to work all summer long, that means no long summer days at the beach with friends. High school life is offically over for me.

Adios amigos!
<3 Panders

I may not be around for a while!

A couple of weeks ago my computer got infected by a virus (actually it is up to 34 viruses now) and so it is useless to me! Until I can save enough money to get it cleaned out or possibly just get a new laptop... Recent news, the heavens opened and sent me an angel! His name is Dave and he is the manager at the store that I am now working AT!! I am so excited for the new job and I cant wait to jump into the work world and help people and get pay checks! And I also got accepted into a very good university which made my mom poop herself... not literally lol but it looked like it when I told her I got accepted! It will be totally free for me to go to this school, and I am happy for that because I would have been saving up my pay checks to go to a 30,000 dollar school~ That's all that has been happening since my laptop freaked~ I will try to squeeze a post in when I can!

Love y'all
<3 panders

In a french mood!

Music that I have been listening to for a while has been my favorite french music! Lets list off a few

• Monsieur Marcel - Renan luce
• Le soleil de ta pensée - Pep's
• L'Agriculteur - Ridan

Check them out! Yahoo France radio has a great variety of music! Have fun finding music in different languages!

The not-so-sure optimistic

I see day to day like a video. You know the movies they play all the time on tv, it is a really good movie on Friday then by Sunday its a super bore! This is my life in a sense that I am just a re-run of the day before. I get up, get dressed, and go to school. Right now the only thing that is keeping me alive is my boyfriend and well...thats it. He is so optimistic about life and the future that it just pushes me to keep going. I have never had someone in my life till now that told me that I can be something and tomorrow will be better.

This week is like all the others... Homework and tests... I cant wait for spring break! It will be a nice long week of sleep and relaxation. I hope its warm enough and the snow has melted by then! I dont want anymore snow to fall. I dont want more colds nor do I want anymore cold noses! I just want to enjoy tomorrow!

I have been thinking of leaving for a long time and I dont know how to tell my hero... My mother... I feel like I have never in my life pushed myself to do something with my life. I feel like if I left than I would be able to do something for myself, and not have to rely on my mother for everything. Now people who read this... if any, please dont spread the word if you know me... I am just thinking of leaving I have not put anything into motion. If I wanted to leave I still dont know where I would go I just want too. I am going to see if I can plant me feet here for a little bit longer and if not then.. I shall move on elsewhere.

If you dont like swimming in the kiddy pool, give the olympic size a try,

Love y'all

<3 Panders

Secrets...

Xyrophobia.

What is xyrophobia?


It is the fear of razors.

Facts about Xyrophobia

Xyrophobia is usually caused by an intense negative experience from your past. But your mind can also create that fear seemingly without basis

[source]

you know your xyrophobia is illogical. But it has persisted because your subconscious has attached the idea of razors to all those negative emotions.

[source]

Xyrophobia is the fear of razors. While some are well-recognized, others are unheard of, but whatever the phobia, the person suffering

[source]

Weekend why cant you stay!!??

I feel like this weekend has gone by so fast! Even with all of the snow-days that I have had. The week ahead will be very busy for me! Projects are due and I will have to go twice as fast with my class so we all catch up from the snow days. I hate snow days with a passion! The only good that comes out of them is that I can stay in pj's all day haha. Short post again due to the fact homework needs to get done! I have been putting it off for way to long!!

<3 Panders

January is gone? No way!

Some many things have been happening that I didnt even know that it was February! Ok I did know, but I didnt want to I guess... So many things has happened in my life that I want to rewind and start back again at new years. From my mother getting a tummy tuck, to the kitchen being redone and having to find time to be with my boyfriend; its all been just one big blur. From 4 page papers to car accidents and new cars that dont tell you how fast your going! Life goes at pretty fast speeds. Today I just noticed that. I am sitting here in bed watching tv, checking emails, and doing homework. What do I notice when I looked at the clock? That 4 hours have gone by. Thats when I noticed I missed the beginning of 2011... Weird that it took me this long to notice but I am glad I did. I know now that I have to take it easy once in a while and just enjoy life. So you know what I am doing now? Just blogging :-) And only 20 minutes have gone by.

Dont let life fly by!
<3 Panders

I never go without music on a long car ride!

1.Who are you when im not looking by Blake Shelton
2. Beer in Mexico by Kenny Chesney

Damn you family drama

Ever since my car accident, my parents have been bickering non-stop. Its over money which is never something they get mad about. My Mother simply asked for some help from my Father because she didnt want to carry the full burden. What did he do? He lashed out at my Mother with all this shit from the past that didnt have anything to do with what was going on now. He used everything he could against my mom when he simply could have said, "I dont have the money right now."

My mom being my super hero in the time of need, was the bigger person and called back to tell my dad that she was sorry for anything that my dad was still holding in from the past. She made a deal with him that if I did a minimum of 6 applications a week, he would give me gas for my car. She was again sucessful and 10 applications later, I still don't see any money for gas.

Dont give up on life,
<3 Panders

You are...

You are... The cheese to my macaroni

You are... The horizon to my sky

You are... The bacon to my eggs

You are... The laces to my sneakers

You are... The jelly to my peanut butter

You are... The smile to my face

You are... The gravy to my mashed potatoes

You are... The bubbles to my bath

You are... The milk to my cookie

You are... The ink to my pen

You are... The ketchup to my french fries

You are... The water to my ocean

You are... The icing on my cupcake

(Love, Now and Forever)

Gra anois agus go deo,

Panders <3

Music that just helps the day go faster

Watching my life pass before my eyes

Just yesterday I was in a car accident. I say it like I was telling someone that I went to the store... I never thought the words " I got into a car accident" would ever come out of my mouth. You know when your to old to drive, when you pull out of the parking lot and dont notice that I am right there. I am still thanking God everyday that I wake up that we both are okay. I thank God for my mother for helping me through all of this and luckily found me a new car today, bought it, and paid for the fixing that it severely needed. I pray to God that my trauma doesnt make my driving suffer and I can move on with my life.

Sorry for the short entry, homework doesnt do itself! Thanks for reading,

Panders <3

Im trying...

When I think everything is going just great in my life, something all of a sudden goes wrong... I get a flat tire! I have no job to fix it, my mom is not talking to me or helping me with my situation.. I hate this grown up shit! Its sucks like hell and I dont want it anymore. I liked it when I was younger and if something got scary I was able to go to my parents.. Now they only talk when I need something that doesnt cost money.. I am looking and looking for jobs, and no one wants me because of my lack of experience. I am sorry job world that I was not number one in my class, or I didnt do all the other activities in high school.. I dont have certificates or licenses to do anything!

I applied to Subway and I called and called and called and called!! You know what I am getting at! They never ever answered my damn phone calls! Made me feel lower than shit! I cant even get a place that I applied to, to talk to me! I am in school full time and I am trying my best to find work... I am just panicking over time, and I cant seem to get my head on straight!

I don't understand when people who have a job complain about SO DAMN MUCH! At least you have some form of work! At least you go to bed at night knowing you will be able to afford SOMETHING! Rather than nothing... People who are employed, and they HATE their job need to sit back and think about it for a sec.. If you didnt have that job, you wouldnt be able to put gas in your car etc... To all the people who bitch and complain that their job sucks, well then quit! There are millions of people like me who are willing to do the work, just to get a little something to save themselves..

If you are currently unemployed I am praying for you hard! If you are currently employed I am praying that you get a better attitude about your work and that you realize your blessed in this economy. If anyone has any suggestions on where I can find work, that would be GREAT!

Love you all
<3 Panders

The most functional word in the English language.

Well, it's shit... That's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most funtional word

in the english language.

Consider, you can get shit-faced, be shit-out-of-luck, or

have shit for brains, with a little effort, you can get your

shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked

to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit,

find shit, forget shit, or tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell

the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.

There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit,

shoot the shit or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find

yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit. Some days are hotter

than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit. Things can look

like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit, and I hope you

have a nice day without a bunch of shit. But if you happen

to catch a load of shit from some shit-head.

Well, shit happens.

This poster in my room gets me through!

Love y'all!

Panders

Facebook... you SUCK

When I was in my pre-teens I felt like I was never going to have someone who wanted to love me. I always told my parents that I was never talking to people online, and I was never going on to sites where I was not allowed to go. I was the pre-teen who thought nothing bad was ever going to happen, and if something bad happened I was tough enough to handle it... I never had any self-esteem til I met this person in a christian chat room... He was from a different country and was having a hard time ffinding God. We connected and started a long distance relationship. My mom caught me when I started calling him, and dumb pre-teen me didnt know the phone bill would show where I was calling too, and that the phone bill was $300 more than usual. She called the number I had been dialing and let this person know that I was under age and if he ever did anything she would have the cops all over his ass. I cried and did that whole pre-teen fit and said your ruining my life and so on.. But it didnt stop me.. Now I was living a double life, I never wanted to go out because I had to get to the computer on time to chat with him before he went to bed because of the time difference and so on... I was loosing touch with all my friends, not sharing anything with them because I knew they would make fun of me... As soon as I got to high school though my life suddenly changed... I wasent talking so much to this person online, I knew I was never going to see this person in my entire life and I wanted something better. I met a friend who today is my wonderful boyfriend and he saved my life from everything. I grew up and acted more mature than ever. Then it came time to tell this person who I left in the dust online that I never wanted to speak to him again. That I was going to grow up and stop this online/not safe chatting thing... This person was not having it, he became mad and never talked to me again.. This is what brings me to facebook...

Mind you this happened more than 11-12 years ago, and just up til 4 months ago this person who I had chatted with online made a profile of me on facebook, tried to steal my friends and take over my life...

I no longer have a facebook due to the fact that it is not safe anymore. Not safe for me, my friends, or my family... I wish the people of facebook would get their heads out of their asses and help people who are being attacked on facebook. I wish I never had to get rid of my facebook, but I was NOT going to be stepped on anymore. I never thought my past would come back to bite me in the ass, but it did and I have to deal with it like an adult now, which is very very new to me. I took the precautions once I joined facebook, but there was this person from my past who thought he could take over my name, and my face! And then take my friends... I was being attacked and facebook wouldnt do a damn thing! I hate the fact no matter how many times you or your friends block a person or report a person on facebook... It never gets taken care of! When I went to "deactivate" my account, facebook asked why! I said it was not safe, and they said to adjust my privacy/safety settings... This was damage to my life, and my safety was more than just what can my friends see and not see... I made sure I erased everything about me on facebook, so this person who was trying to be me could not get to my friends. This person was playing a sick game that I didnt want no part of...

In these last couple of years, I have really changed and grown up. I have used facebook to connect with old friends and new ones, not even thinking that someone someday would use information that I have shared against me...

To everyone who reads this, or if you stumble upon this blog just know that anywhere and everywhere you go online, you are not safe... You are not protected when they say you are. Never ever EVER give anything away about yourself. I know I sound like your parent, but trust me I know what it is like. I never listened to my mother, about being safe on the internet when I was younger and now I my past is coming back to haunt me.

I want nothing but safety to everyone, I have had to deal with my past actions, and I am making sure the actions I take today are the safest ones. I hope sharing my story has made it easier for you as parents to really talk to your kids, or as teens to watch what you say or do on the internet. Dont get sucked up into cyber bullying like I did because places like facebook are not going to help you, just like they didnt help me..

And another thing, I know I am not the best when it comes to grammar and punctuation so please excuse all the mistakes in my writing. I was and am more worried about getting my story onto my blog than if I used correct punctuation..

Love and God Bless!!
Panders